Okay today I haven’t even turned on.the TV because I’m processing some things. This morning I prayed for some things. I have a lot of things that just aren’t right. Its hard to tell. Now I know its been MP all this time. Or was it his brother? Being around people for years doesn’t mean you really know them. I thought he was a safe good man. Never in a million years would I imagine he would turn out like this. I fell in #Love with who I thought he was. The monster behind the mask was so much worse. Masquerade indeed. Never get married to save yourself. Your rescuers may be worse than your present situation. I wasn’t looking for it, but as usual I prayed. God is answering. Be careful what you pray for! You may get it in a way you never expected. I was sick for trusting him too. See as a woman with my past its hard to discern exactly what a man wants from you. And women automatically go on the defense. I can’t have a male role model because anytime spent with an older man is a repeat of being molested. I didn’t know. My past is just that my past. You can’t acknowledge what you never knew existed. I enjoy spending time with anyone who can teach me. I’m a smart woman. I need to be around people who make me think. I never have & never will sleep my way to the top of anything. I’m not that girl. Never have been. Never will be. Even before those who wanted to destroy me twisted the facts of my past. I didn’t know. I couldn’t defend against those who hurt me. Your attacker attacks you as often as possible. Mentally. Spiritually. Physically. Financially. All to destroy the splendor of what God created in you. The devil is a lie & is behind all the foolishness. If it weren’t for my faith I would have lost my ever loving mind. Do y’all hear me? I should be crazy. But I ain’t. I should be a lot of things, but I ain’t. By the grace of God I ain’t! Now I know that I’m not a preacher. I’m not a prophet. What I AM is a real woman learning about my past & how my abusers have banded together to protect themselves. I had no clue. Now I have to find a church that welcomes me. I may have found one. I just have to watch first. This one is completely new to me. Like I said I’m a God seeker. God = truth.
Okay, I got a little distracted by that train of thought. Back to what I was saying. People spend so much time hating on you & telling you negative things about yourself that you almost start to believe it. Let me give you some examples. When I was a little girl we used to play house or doctor or whatever. I’m going to leave that we as ambiguous as possible. I’m speaking for & about me right now. Yes that kind of house & doctor. That was a sign. I just didn’t know it. Watch your kids. They may be screaming at high volumes without saying a word. Glory be to God. You either turn out like your environment or fight like hell to get away from it. I’m fighting. It may cost me my life, but the truth will be told. Because of that I unknowingly made decisions that rippled through the rest of my life. When people see you doing better & want to derail your progress be careful & wonder what’s behind it. Why is your being/doing well such a problem? Think! I repeatedly engaged in relationships that were not in my best interest. Female & male friendships. Male relationships. Many times. The best way for a predator to find his next victim is to be a friend, then make it so they depend on you. & you on them. Take heed.
Its not only men who are predatory. Women are too. I’ve been the victim of a bi-sexual predator. Same tactics. I ask for help, but each time the help is used against me. Stay away from negative people.
Okay another side thought, but hay that means I’m writing authentically & from my heart. People said I was a prostitute. Little did I know I was being drugged & raped while unconscious. People said I was a porn star. Little did I know cameras were installed without my knowledge or permission & I was being watched. People said I was gay. Little did I know my so called friend was planning to rape me too. It took years. She had to drug me, but yes eventually she got me too. Yep while I was unconscious. Every moment of my life on camera. I didn’t know. People said I was a child molester. That was sad. Because children were my heart. Still are. Hateful predatory people will isolate you & try to remove every thing that us you. So that when they get to you & kidnap you no one will know you’re gone. They can use you up & kill you. No one will care because they’ve taken it all! All because I refuse to have children with men who have hurt me. **Side note: Unconditional Love does not mean you can do whatever you want & you’ll be taken back. That’s another predatory trap. Unconditional Love would’ve kept you from hurting me on purpose. Its part of the process of breaking your spirit. Its much easier to abuse someone who is broken & has no self-worth** This my friends is an example of how pimps can infiltrate the good life of a church going, hard working, all-American girl. I still like to have fun. I’m not uptight. I just have to be careful. Find a girl with daddy issues & exploit it for all its worth. If they want you bad enough they’ll stop at nothing to destroy you so they can turn you out.
This last round was/is quite eventful. See I used to live on the fourth floor. It gave me a sense of security. A FALSE sense of security . I joked that anyone who broke into my fourth floor apartment was a bad man/woman! Well yeah they were. How were they getting in? There was a hatch in the storage closet on my balcony. That opened up to the roof. I didn’t lock the balcony door because I thought I was safe. Little did I know my predators were biding their time. That’s how they were getting into my apartment to drug anything they could so I could be raped at night without ever knowing it. Until the night I wasn’t unconscious enough. I felt someone pulling on me. I tried to run, but sometimes pimps have friends in high places & low ones too. Whatever it takes to get to you. A few dollars in the right hands. A few people working IN the system. You can do whatever you want to people. That’s how exploitation works. Learn from me! If you NEVER heed a word I say let today be the day you do.
I cried the other day. I wanted to go to the park, but I was afraid because THAT is a predatory move. You NEVER put someone through the pain you suffered. That is not the only way to learn or relate to people. All you have to do is have a heart for people in pain. If you’ve experienced pain & have been alone in your suffering you always try to make sure you’re there for people in need. That’s why I’m so helpful. I’ve always hated to see people in pain. I cried because I almost let the devil take my joy. I know that its ok for me to look at people’s outfits. I’m a clothes horse. Always have been. I just don’t like people being judged. Judge the outfit not the person. 9 times out of 10 they don’t care what you think anyway! I read people’s tshirts. That only feeds into the accusation of lesbianism & pedophilia. (Nothing wrong with being gay. It just ain’t me. If I was I shouldn’t be hated for it.) Truth is I haven’t had any in a really long time! But I can tell you I’m not attracted to women or children. I’m beginning to think I was raped so often for many purposes 1) To force an unplanned pregnancy. 2) To make me hate men, or a certain type of man. 3) To make me hate sex. Period. The list could go on, but I’ve been writing for hours already. Anyway, being unconscious has its advantages. I can tell the truth & not be a liar. Glory be to God. Understand?
If you were sick would the world shun you? Hopefully the answer is no. Let’s not repeat the horrible way we treated Ryan White & his family. Elton John stood up for him! After watching Magic Johnson on tv the other night you don’t have to give up because you get sick. He played on the first Olympic Dream Team didn’t he? Some sicknesses used to be thought of as death sentences. Cancer used to be. HIV/AIDS used to be. Not anymore. Thank God I haven’t had to suffer either of those illnesses. How would you handle that burden? How do you treat people?
I was all over the place today, but this is what was put on my heart. Gonna have fun today. That was kind of heavy. Putting fun first. Change of plans. That felt good. Writing is cathartic.
To end on a positive note. Dreams. Imagination. Have them. I’m writing from mine. They may just change the world. Thinking of science, art, religion, dreams, reality & imagination. How closely are they intertwined? I don’t know. You tell me.